2012

searching for a soul to sell,well the search continues,i got waylayed,i got sidetracked,i got stitched up,i got held back,i got caught up,i got low down.so shit,the song remains the same.
you know its funny writing when you know its never going to get read,or only be read by a couple of people,but ,as ever i write,to exorsize whats inside of me,lol...to try to instill it in you,an exorsism in reverse,as is said elswere in this blog.so fuck,yea ...the person who got me believing that i could do this ,the person who has been without doubt one of the kindest people in my life,period,her kindness of spirit and beauty of heart...ive been asked to quit contacting her,and i will...it just is all such a mindfuck this blog,bringing me back to a really hard time in my life,a time of being told that your love is noot wanted anymore and ,its like i was so fucking tore up over that,ill never get over losing stacy because ive never had such a connection with a woman that came close,from thousands of miles away id know,id feel her,i knew if she was upset,worried,happy or whatever and she with me,it was incredible,plus her beauty had me entranced ,oh baby,i know she will never ever see this but like i always said,if it didnt work out this life,ill come find you in the next......anyway,put that dowm,that relic in black,like a beautiful piece of obsidian,black as night,inpenetrable and inaccessable.....i dont know what to say,shes gone,she hates me and that is that.......and then the woman who nurtured me thru that,and my god do i understand why she may be weary of me,thinking i was coming back for some more ,marks pity party,i wasnt ,i wanted to say hi and thank you,say that im ok...anyway shell be upset that ive written of her email saying dont contact me,but it effected me,god,i piss and moan and whinge dont i ,jesus christ,me,me ,ME..MEMEMEMEMEMEMEM!!!!!!!......IM SORRY BEcause im grateful tonight,im grateful for my sobriety,im grateful for the rehab center i can go to tommorow,im grateful for some wonderful people ive met of late......and yes mrs j,i am speaking of you,your soul and your kindness,your wit and your empathy have made me care very much for you,im so happy that your life is so rich ,you deserve it all,hell and maybe even a bejewelled kitty collar to go with it ...and yea,thats so much more than i lil bit sexy....lol,i was just trying to come correct,as weve spoken,although playing right up to the boundry lines is were its funnest ,aspecially when you know we shall never cross them,and im not saying you would ever want to,that sounds like i think im just all that...nope..i dig you,i am grateful you were put on my path ,and think about it not just the once but twice,i believe our friendship is meant to be,god i never thought of it that way....as most things involving you,it makes me smile.ok...so this was a broken heart pissy moan club,because i am not sure i ever wrote directly of stacy and the damage done,i wasnt able to write about her,were as now i have some distance,i still have no answers or no closure,id do anything to be her friend but since we havnt spoken since july 28th and ill NEVER forget the day,one because i lost my great love and 2 amy winhouse died,so the whole day seemed so tragic...as for the content of this letter ,it should of just read,letter to santa cruz,as its really a misplaced email to you j,but what the hell......at least i have one post,ill try to write something odf consequence soon...not that anyone will care...but i write because i have to,to express myself is part of who i aaam and the written word is my favourite vehicle.