So yea I haven't been the most prolific of writers in the last year, but to be honest who the fuck wants to read about sad broken hearted shit, I'm embarrassed I wrote all that shit about a woman I can't even remember her name most days, so I'm sorry that I banged on for so long over this good for little whore.
Since then I've had two relationships and it seems they follow the same pattern, which indicates that it's mostly me and my fuct up issues as well as the type of heartless sluts I fall for and I'm not calling them , it's just what they are..... So yea a little paragraph before bed on November 9th 2012 & I assure you . I won't fall in love today.
Friday 9 November 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
2012
searching for a soul to sell,well the search continues,i got waylayed,i got sidetracked,i got stitched up,i got held back,i got caught up,i got low down.so shit,the song remains the same.
you know its funny writing when you know its never going to get read,or only be read by a couple of people,but ,as ever i write,to exorsize whats inside of me,lol...to try to instill it in you,an exorsism in reverse,as is said elswere in this blog.so fuck,yea ...the person who got me believing that i could do this ,the person who has been without doubt one of the kindest people in my life,period,her kindness of spirit and beauty of heart...ive been asked to quit contacting her,and i will...it just is all such a mindfuck this blog,bringing me back to a really hard time in my life,a time of being told that your love is noot wanted anymore and ,its like i was so fucking tore up over that,ill never get over losing stacy because ive never had such a connection with a woman that came close,from thousands of miles away id know,id feel her,i knew if she was upset,worried,happy or whatever and she with me,it was incredible,plus her beauty had me entranced ,oh baby,i know she will never ever see this but like i always said,if it didnt work out this life,ill come find you in the next......anyway,put that dowm,that relic in black,like a beautiful piece of obsidian,black as night,inpenetrable and inaccessable.....i dont know what to say,shes gone,she hates me and that is that.......and then the woman who nurtured me thru that,and my god do i understand why she may be weary of me,thinking i was coming back for some more ,marks pity party,i wasnt ,i wanted to say hi and thank you,say that im ok...anyway shell be upset that ive written of her email saying dont contact me,but it effected me,god,i piss and moan and whinge dont i ,jesus christ,me,me ,ME..MEMEMEMEMEMEMEM!!!!!!!......IM SORRY BEcause im grateful tonight,im grateful for my sobriety,im grateful for the rehab center i can go to tommorow,im grateful for some wonderful people ive met of late......and yes mrs j,i am speaking of you,your soul and your kindness,your wit and your empathy have made me care very much for you,im so happy that your life is so rich ,you deserve it all,hell and maybe even a bejewelled kitty collar to go with it ...and yea,thats so much more than i lil bit sexy....lol,i was just trying to come correct,as weve spoken,although playing right up to the boundry lines is were its funnest ,aspecially when you know we shall never cross them,and im not saying you would ever want to,that sounds like i think im just all that...nope..i dig you,i am grateful you were put on my path ,and think about it not just the once but twice,i believe our friendship is meant to be,god i never thought of it that way....as most things involving you,it makes me smile.ok...so this was a broken heart pissy moan club,because i am not sure i ever wrote directly of stacy and the damage done,i wasnt able to write about her,were as now i have some distance,i still have no answers or no closure,id do anything to be her friend but since we havnt spoken since july 28th and ill NEVER forget the day,one because i lost my great love and 2 amy winhouse died,so the whole day seemed so tragic...as for the content of this letter ,it should of just read,letter to santa cruz,as its really a misplaced email to you j,but what the hell......at least i have one post,ill try to write something odf consequence soon...not that anyone will care...but i write because i have to,to express myself is part of who i aaam and the written word is my favourite vehicle.
you know its funny writing when you know its never going to get read,or only be read by a couple of people,but ,as ever i write,to exorsize whats inside of me,lol...to try to instill it in you,an exorsism in reverse,as is said elswere in this blog.so fuck,yea ...the person who got me believing that i could do this ,the person who has been without doubt one of the kindest people in my life,period,her kindness of spirit and beauty of heart...ive been asked to quit contacting her,and i will...it just is all such a mindfuck this blog,bringing me back to a really hard time in my life,a time of being told that your love is noot wanted anymore and ,its like i was so fucking tore up over that,ill never get over losing stacy because ive never had such a connection with a woman that came close,from thousands of miles away id know,id feel her,i knew if she was upset,worried,happy or whatever and she with me,it was incredible,plus her beauty had me entranced ,oh baby,i know she will never ever see this but like i always said,if it didnt work out this life,ill come find you in the next......anyway,put that dowm,that relic in black,like a beautiful piece of obsidian,black as night,inpenetrable and inaccessable.....i dont know what to say,shes gone,she hates me and that is that.......and then the woman who nurtured me thru that,and my god do i understand why she may be weary of me,thinking i was coming back for some more ,marks pity party,i wasnt ,i wanted to say hi and thank you,say that im ok...anyway shell be upset that ive written of her email saying dont contact me,but it effected me,god,i piss and moan and whinge dont i ,jesus christ,me,me ,ME..MEMEMEMEMEMEMEM!!!!!!!......IM SORRY BEcause im grateful tonight,im grateful for my sobriety,im grateful for the rehab center i can go to tommorow,im grateful for some wonderful people ive met of late......and yes mrs j,i am speaking of you,your soul and your kindness,your wit and your empathy have made me care very much for you,im so happy that your life is so rich ,you deserve it all,hell and maybe even a bejewelled kitty collar to go with it ...and yea,thats so much more than i lil bit sexy....lol,i was just trying to come correct,as weve spoken,although playing right up to the boundry lines is were its funnest ,aspecially when you know we shall never cross them,and im not saying you would ever want to,that sounds like i think im just all that...nope..i dig you,i am grateful you were put on my path ,and think about it not just the once but twice,i believe our friendship is meant to be,god i never thought of it that way....as most things involving you,it makes me smile.ok...so this was a broken heart pissy moan club,because i am not sure i ever wrote directly of stacy and the damage done,i wasnt able to write about her,were as now i have some distance,i still have no answers or no closure,id do anything to be her friend but since we havnt spoken since july 28th and ill NEVER forget the day,one because i lost my great love and 2 amy winhouse died,so the whole day seemed so tragic...as for the content of this letter ,it should of just read,letter to santa cruz,as its really a misplaced email to you j,but what the hell......at least i have one post,ill try to write something odf consequence soon...not that anyone will care...but i write because i have to,to express myself is part of who i aaam and the written word is my favourite vehicle.
Saturday 1 October 2011
henry miller
i have not been writing much lately,maybe feeling a bit depressed,maybe feeling a bit of a phoney.....i dont know i do know that i started this blog with the idea of putting down my feelings and experiences ,not that i thought people would really be interested in them but more as a voice for me to expell the things that needed to be spoken from me,i had many fucked up thoughts and feelings when i started this blog.having been left by a woman that i loved .....but isnt that the way ,if i didnt love her then her leaving would hardly of registered in my conciousness,but what happened was exactly the opposite of that,anyway i digress.i am writing today because for the umpteenth time in my life i am being saved by words,the words of a genius,words that are so magnificent,so fucking brilliant...noone has ever used the english language in the way henry miller used it,swirling tornadoes of passeges building ,and with his joy in writing hightening,my pleasure matching him step for step,i have laughed out loud reading sexus ,for at least ...the 5 th time now,i didnt laugh cause it was funny ,although some of it is very funny,i laugh because it is amazing,the purity of vision,the way he uses language make me laugh in apreciation of a great master,he only writes about his life ...his life,the women he loves ,the women he fucks,the crazy antics of his friends and perhaps to me,the most satisfying is the inner dialouge inside his head,he says he wrote ten thousand books before he ever put pen to paper....he reaches hights that i know,i know i can never reach ,never ,ever but the spirit of henry miller is instilled in me,i shall write and i shall write openly,honestly ,kindly ,cruelly ,i shall be true to my own heart,my own version of life...i think the fact that sums up how relevant miller was is the fact when his books were published they were banned throughout the whole world ,branded pornography,everwere except the french,they dont view sex as a monstrous act,as indee ,it most definatly isnt,its the most wonderful thing we can experience sex with a beautiful woman whom you love,i think their is little to compare to that...and ,no henry miller didnt love all the women he fucked,but in a way so what,he wrote of his life and all that encompassed,so whatever...as i finish up the rosy crucifixtion again,i bid a fond farewell again to the gret master of the english language ,henry miller...like it says on the jacket...'the importance of american literiture begins and ends with the meaning of millers work''..amen to that...do your self a favor ,pick up any book by henry miller........
Monday 12 September 2011
love kills slowly
so i have just been talking to a friend of mine,hes had his heart broken for the first time,well by a woman i guess he has...funny as he broke with his female right when i was also expired i talked to him then trying to talk him away from ,whatever he did ...just dont try and get her back,hes a young man,good looking,smart ,funny and makes mad loot ,so he was all yea man,i took solace in helping a young man go thru what is without doubt the worst thing to of happened to most people..anyway i talked to him he went back and tonight hes still wallowing back in that ol heartbreak ,were as ,yes im sad that ,whats her name is no longer in my life,i shared 3 years with her,to me good times and yet since im older i got over it pretty much as normal...heres why i can relate to my friends plight is because i to once was a young man in love?and it ended ,as it always does and ,to be honest it ruined my life..i cant blame the girl,it was my choices,my sadness ,my needs,my fucked up head ,my soul took me were i went.and for my homie joey ....this is my first broken heart and the places it took me.
ok,i will give you a small bit on meeting her and being together ,as we spent over 5 years together on and off.so i was living in steamboat springs ,Co.and as anyone who knows colorado will tell you ,its a hippy old place.i was a 'never trust a hippy boy' and so when i bought music it was ordered in for me,u know?
so im in their ordering 'bakesale' by sebadoh ,not even paying much attention to anyone ,and the girl behind the counter started to chat with me,like about music,plus i got them feelings from her,you know the ones i mean ,like electric crackle..so i left,went on with my so sweet mountain life and one day i got a call from the record store and it was the same girl,she asked if it would be ok to call me sometime,im like sure,yea...what the hell,she seemed like sexy enough.so anyway we go out on a date i fuck her ,badly...god...anyway she hung around a bit and i moved away for the summer ,when i was gone i started writing her 10,20 page letters,i really missed her and couldnt wait to get back for next season for all the same reasons,to ride,and this new girl,i was stoked,moved back and trolled the bars looking for her,i hadnt told her i was coming back,wanted to surprise her...anyway ,shed went home ,like the day before i arrived.....whatever,whatever,we spent two years together then moved to denver wed been smoking heroin like every few months,and drinking and popping pills,she was a bad alki and i was a garbage can ,id take anything......big fight and i leave and go to san diego,and the pain was so that id decided i would kill myself,i pulled over in utah and stood at a cliff ,i couldnt muster the courage to do it though.so to san diego ,were i started injecting the dope,as it took less,my frinds said,and i was broke so who was i to complain,it nullified my pain,i couldnt even remember that girls name,let alone feel the pain that lived in every cell in my body,i was their a few months and got word that my friend had called my ex and shed said ,flippantly''oh,hes gone to california to kill himself or something''...that made me so angry and so unreal shed of thought so little of me that my life meant nothing to her,so i believed her,i guess i already had..and dove headfirt into a sincere dope habit.took me to seattle,to pheonix,to denver and back to minneapolis.
i lived high risk,i really could not see living another year ,let alone a future and to be honest it took me 10 years and loss of everything ,including ,friends,freedom,my country and my self respect and my future,it stole my future off me...so,my advice to my friend was whatever you do,however you feel ,dont bury your feelings in drugs and booze,as you can wake up way ,way down the road and regret much.true dat.
ok,i will give you a small bit on meeting her and being together ,as we spent over 5 years together on and off.so i was living in steamboat springs ,Co.and as anyone who knows colorado will tell you ,its a hippy old place.i was a 'never trust a hippy boy' and so when i bought music it was ordered in for me,u know?
so im in their ordering 'bakesale' by sebadoh ,not even paying much attention to anyone ,and the girl behind the counter started to chat with me,like about music,plus i got them feelings from her,you know the ones i mean ,like electric crackle..so i left,went on with my so sweet mountain life and one day i got a call from the record store and it was the same girl,she asked if it would be ok to call me sometime,im like sure,yea...what the hell,she seemed like sexy enough.so anyway we go out on a date i fuck her ,badly...god...anyway she hung around a bit and i moved away for the summer ,when i was gone i started writing her 10,20 page letters,i really missed her and couldnt wait to get back for next season for all the same reasons,to ride,and this new girl,i was stoked,moved back and trolled the bars looking for her,i hadnt told her i was coming back,wanted to surprise her...anyway ,shed went home ,like the day before i arrived.....whatever,whatever,we spent two years together then moved to denver wed been smoking heroin like every few months,and drinking and popping pills,she was a bad alki and i was a garbage can ,id take anything......big fight and i leave and go to san diego,and the pain was so that id decided i would kill myself,i pulled over in utah and stood at a cliff ,i couldnt muster the courage to do it though.so to san diego ,were i started injecting the dope,as it took less,my frinds said,and i was broke so who was i to complain,it nullified my pain,i couldnt even remember that girls name,let alone feel the pain that lived in every cell in my body,i was their a few months and got word that my friend had called my ex and shed said ,flippantly''oh,hes gone to california to kill himself or something''...that made me so angry and so unreal shed of thought so little of me that my life meant nothing to her,so i believed her,i guess i already had..and dove headfirt into a sincere dope habit.took me to seattle,to pheonix,to denver and back to minneapolis.
i lived high risk,i really could not see living another year ,let alone a future and to be honest it took me 10 years and loss of everything ,including ,friends,freedom,my country and my self respect and my future,it stole my future off me...so,my advice to my friend was whatever you do,however you feel ,dont bury your feelings in drugs and booze,as you can wake up way ,way down the road and regret much.true dat.
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