Monday 12 September 2011
love kills slowly
so i have just been talking to a friend of mine,hes had his heart broken for the first time,well by a woman i guess he has...funny as he broke with his female right when i was also expired i talked to him then trying to talk him away from ,whatever he did ...just dont try and get her back,hes a young man,good looking,smart ,funny and makes mad loot ,so he was all yea man,i took solace in helping a young man go thru what is without doubt the worst thing to of happened to most people..anyway i talked to him he went back and tonight hes still wallowing back in that ol heartbreak ,were as ,yes im sad that ,whats her name is no longer in my life,i shared 3 years with her,to me good times and yet since im older i got over it pretty much as normal...heres why i can relate to my friends plight is because i to once was a young man in love?and it ended ,as it always does and ,to be honest it ruined my life..i cant blame the girl,it was my choices,my sadness ,my needs,my fucked up head ,my soul took me were i went.and for my homie joey ....this is my first broken heart and the places it took me.
ok,i will give you a small bit on meeting her and being together ,as we spent over 5 years together on and off.so i was living in steamboat springs ,Co.and as anyone who knows colorado will tell you ,its a hippy old place.i was a 'never trust a hippy boy' and so when i bought music it was ordered in for me,u know?
so im in their ordering 'bakesale' by sebadoh ,not even paying much attention to anyone ,and the girl behind the counter started to chat with me,like about music,plus i got them feelings from her,you know the ones i mean ,like electric crackle..so i left,went on with my so sweet mountain life and one day i got a call from the record store and it was the same girl,she asked if it would be ok to call me sometime,im like sure,yea...what the hell,she seemed like sexy enough.so anyway we go out on a date i fuck her ,badly...god...anyway she hung around a bit and i moved away for the summer ,when i was gone i started writing her 10,20 page letters,i really missed her and couldnt wait to get back for next season for all the same reasons,to ride,and this new girl,i was stoked,moved back and trolled the bars looking for her,i hadnt told her i was coming back,wanted to surprise her...anyway ,shed went home ,like the day before i arrived.....whatever,whatever,we spent two years together then moved to denver wed been smoking heroin like every few months,and drinking and popping pills,she was a bad alki and i was a garbage can ,id take anything......big fight and i leave and go to san diego,and the pain was so that id decided i would kill myself,i pulled over in utah and stood at a cliff ,i couldnt muster the courage to do it though.so to san diego ,were i started injecting the dope,as it took less,my frinds said,and i was broke so who was i to complain,it nullified my pain,i couldnt even remember that girls name,let alone feel the pain that lived in every cell in my body,i was their a few months and got word that my friend had called my ex and shed said ,flippantly''oh,hes gone to california to kill himself or something''...that made me so angry and so unreal shed of thought so little of me that my life meant nothing to her,so i believed her,i guess i already had..and dove headfirt into a sincere dope habit.took me to seattle,to pheonix,to denver and back to minneapolis.
i lived high risk,i really could not see living another year ,let alone a future and to be honest it took me 10 years and loss of everything ,including ,friends,freedom,my country and my self respect and my future,it stole my future off me...so,my advice to my friend was whatever you do,however you feel ,dont bury your feelings in drugs and booze,as you can wake up way ,way down the road and regret much.true dat.
ok,i will give you a small bit on meeting her and being together ,as we spent over 5 years together on and off.so i was living in steamboat springs ,Co.and as anyone who knows colorado will tell you ,its a hippy old place.i was a 'never trust a hippy boy' and so when i bought music it was ordered in for me,u know?
so im in their ordering 'bakesale' by sebadoh ,not even paying much attention to anyone ,and the girl behind the counter started to chat with me,like about music,plus i got them feelings from her,you know the ones i mean ,like electric crackle..so i left,went on with my so sweet mountain life and one day i got a call from the record store and it was the same girl,she asked if it would be ok to call me sometime,im like sure,yea...what the hell,she seemed like sexy enough.so anyway we go out on a date i fuck her ,badly...god...anyway she hung around a bit and i moved away for the summer ,when i was gone i started writing her 10,20 page letters,i really missed her and couldnt wait to get back for next season for all the same reasons,to ride,and this new girl,i was stoked,moved back and trolled the bars looking for her,i hadnt told her i was coming back,wanted to surprise her...anyway ,shed went home ,like the day before i arrived.....whatever,whatever,we spent two years together then moved to denver wed been smoking heroin like every few months,and drinking and popping pills,she was a bad alki and i was a garbage can ,id take anything......big fight and i leave and go to san diego,and the pain was so that id decided i would kill myself,i pulled over in utah and stood at a cliff ,i couldnt muster the courage to do it though.so to san diego ,were i started injecting the dope,as it took less,my frinds said,and i was broke so who was i to complain,it nullified my pain,i couldnt even remember that girls name,let alone feel the pain that lived in every cell in my body,i was their a few months and got word that my friend had called my ex and shed said ,flippantly''oh,hes gone to california to kill himself or something''...that made me so angry and so unreal shed of thought so little of me that my life meant nothing to her,so i believed her,i guess i already had..and dove headfirt into a sincere dope habit.took me to seattle,to pheonix,to denver and back to minneapolis.
i lived high risk,i really could not see living another year ,let alone a future and to be honest it took me 10 years and loss of everything ,including ,friends,freedom,my country and my self respect and my future,it stole my future off me...so,my advice to my friend was whatever you do,however you feel ,dont bury your feelings in drugs and booze,as you can wake up way ,way down the road and regret much.true dat.
Thursday 8 September 2011
Tuesday 6 September 2011
nirvana ....live in 1989,7th street entry,mpls,mn,ussa
today i am going to tell you about the first time i saw nivana in 1989......it started ,as so many tales from this time frame with my homepiece MCA hurl.Since he was the great white hope to break out from the wrong side of the tracks,hurl diligently worked his way into university of minnesota...im actually lying ,hurl was from a 'normal' family and as far as i member there were no train tracks anywere near his house at all.shit....so yea in hurls bedroom drinking beers,smoking sexy mexi,as were had to due,since there was not many 'plugged in' folks in minneapolis back then....so we went and saw soundgarden at coffman union,so yea i saw soundgarden in the U of M lunchroom,rad huh,which and in my music history is as important a concert as id ever seen for many reasons,but ill write of that show,some other time,some other place.so after picking up my jaw from the ground we walked out and lord ,strike me down if we saw a flyer that thee following night a band called mudhoney were playing at the same venue,under the picture of them rightous hair farmers was a logo that would ,to me define ;a sound,a look,an attitude,it came to represent everything right about music at the end of the 80's and to this day any sub pop band,gets a lookin from me,just by the virtue of the pedigree.
yet i digress,yea ,SUBPOP...so the following night ,im sure a 12 pack of the same beer and maybe the remenants of the same bag of weed,we went to see mudhoney play,now these guys were some strait out freaky stylee's ..i mean mplw had a look and even a sound,and yea we had a scene,fuck...husker du,the replacements,soul asylum..the minneapolis sound...but let me tell you seeing mudhoney was like seeing these guys appeared straight from mars to perform,the hairiest,loudest,brashest,thickest,gooiest raucous rightous noise i had ever heard.and there began my love affair with sub pop and the seattle sound...me and hurl ,shit we practically rode that freak train into town with the bands ,we were hip to them a year before hipsters knew of them,just by dumb luck and the power and look of soundgarden and the sound and attitude of mudhoney ,put it this way it took the hippest record shop downtown to procure mudhoneys superfuzz bigmuff, after like a month of empty promises,but ,im not bragging,lol..well i guess i am...but like i said the bands had the mystique and the look,i was simply an early recogniser of this freak scene .plus id lived in seattle already and was well versed in the pacific northwests massive indoor marijuana industry.so seattle was in my blood.SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.hurl or me ,one of us saw a flyer ,a subpop flyer ..it was a sub pop us assault,or some such shit and i may be wrong but it was vertigo( a mpls band i liked)..a seattle band called TAD ....and a band called NIRVANA...so cue to 7th street entry ,hallowed ground the size of a big living room,the CBGB's of the midwest.....so TAD comes out ,man ...again a whole nothe rblog about tad doyle wouldnt be unthinkable.but TAD has a 400lb ex butcher for a lead singer he came on stage with a big axe or sledge hammer,i forget which but he was intense and menacing and to say they again played in the most mesmorising mix of swirling guitard so thick and fuzzy ,low and slow ,that was the temp[o...so after ttad played i went up to mr TAD and told him id lived in seatle blablabla,long story,shorter,we ended up downstairs with the band TAD smoking weed with hash oil,god i remember dumb shit,so as we are smoking we startd talking about music after a bit we could here the next band starting,tad says,you should really go see these guys ,they will amaze you,or words to that affect....up those holy steps to the gig were this band were blasting ,with amazing abandon into some song id never heard before,yet to say i was amazed,is not even close...their sound was thick and sludgey like mudhoneys and the lead singer seemed so pissed off and man ,he had hair so long,the whole band did,what im saying is ,god damn those guys looked fucking kool.they played negative creep and i just sat there ans was witness to rock and roll history,i knew i was seeing something diffrent,something that was going to change me forever,i never figured itd be the whole world also.
so the band played on and at the end of the set,these insane lil blond haired dude who was singiong,the guy who was a cross between charles manson and i dont know a long blond haired guy from another planet,so yea he starts smashing his guitar to bits,im like fuck!!!!! this is unsane,wtf...he then dove into the amps,knocking them ober grabbed another guitar as he was kicking the drum over and destroying the whole stage,now id read about this type of shit but to witness in a small,teeny ,tiny room ,was amazing,as was the encore,cobain strapped that unsmashed guitar on dove into the drums,sending shit flying,but then he layed their in the wreckage of the stage,laying sideways in the carnage and played a mind warping 20 minute fuzzgun attack,just riding the nopise wave were ever he wanted to go,but it was a fucking swell ride.....unreal,so yea nirvana fall 89,man ...that was heavyyyyyy.......in a sad footnote to the sad story of cobain ,i saw them after the tour for nevermind,i think he was huge by now,i cant believe they were even playing at first avenue still,yet thats why first ave was the place it was cause everyone had played their ,everyone.but anyway that show,kurt looked so bored and he just was not even the possesed little hellion id witnessed a couple years earlier,oh yea and any of you who were in my life in 1989 will remember,possibly that i had purchased a shirt at the first gi.said nirvana on the front and the 7 circles of hell...as in buhddist text...but on the back..big and bold it said
NIRVANA
crack smokin
fudge packin
satan worshipin
motherfuckers
SUBPOP
and that friend and foe alike...was that.
(c)mh 2011
yet i digress,yea ,SUBPOP...so the following night ,im sure a 12 pack of the same beer and maybe the remenants of the same bag of weed,we went to see mudhoney play,now these guys were some strait out freaky stylee's ..i mean mplw had a look and even a sound,and yea we had a scene,fuck...husker du,the replacements,soul asylum..the minneapolis sound...but let me tell you seeing mudhoney was like seeing these guys appeared straight from mars to perform,the hairiest,loudest,brashest,thickest,gooiest raucous rightous noise i had ever heard.and there began my love affair with sub pop and the seattle sound...me and hurl ,shit we practically rode that freak train into town with the bands ,we were hip to them a year before hipsters knew of them,just by dumb luck and the power and look of soundgarden and the sound and attitude of mudhoney ,put it this way it took the hippest record shop downtown to procure mudhoneys superfuzz bigmuff, after like a month of empty promises,but ,im not bragging,lol..well i guess i am...but like i said the bands had the mystique and the look,i was simply an early recogniser of this freak scene .plus id lived in seattle already and was well versed in the pacific northwests massive indoor marijuana industry.so seattle was in my blood.SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.hurl or me ,one of us saw a flyer ,a subpop flyer ..it was a sub pop us assault,or some such shit and i may be wrong but it was vertigo( a mpls band i liked)..a seattle band called TAD ....and a band called NIRVANA...so cue to 7th street entry ,hallowed ground the size of a big living room,the CBGB's of the midwest.....so TAD comes out ,man ...again a whole nothe rblog about tad doyle wouldnt be unthinkable.but TAD has a 400lb ex butcher for a lead singer he came on stage with a big axe or sledge hammer,i forget which but he was intense and menacing and to say they again played in the most mesmorising mix of swirling guitard so thick and fuzzy ,low and slow ,that was the temp[o...so after ttad played i went up to mr TAD and told him id lived in seatle blablabla,long story,shorter,we ended up downstairs with the band TAD smoking weed with hash oil,god i remember dumb shit,so as we are smoking we startd talking about music after a bit we could here the next band starting,tad says,you should really go see these guys ,they will amaze you,or words to that affect....up those holy steps to the gig were this band were blasting ,with amazing abandon into some song id never heard before,yet to say i was amazed,is not even close...their sound was thick and sludgey like mudhoneys and the lead singer seemed so pissed off and man ,he had hair so long,the whole band did,what im saying is ,god damn those guys looked fucking kool.they played negative creep and i just sat there ans was witness to rock and roll history,i knew i was seeing something diffrent,something that was going to change me forever,i never figured itd be the whole world also.
so the band played on and at the end of the set,these insane lil blond haired dude who was singiong,the guy who was a cross between charles manson and i dont know a long blond haired guy from another planet,so yea he starts smashing his guitar to bits,im like fuck!!!!! this is unsane,wtf...he then dove into the amps,knocking them ober grabbed another guitar as he was kicking the drum over and destroying the whole stage,now id read about this type of shit but to witness in a small,teeny ,tiny room ,was amazing,as was the encore,cobain strapped that unsmashed guitar on dove into the drums,sending shit flying,but then he layed their in the wreckage of the stage,laying sideways in the carnage and played a mind warping 20 minute fuzzgun attack,just riding the nopise wave were ever he wanted to go,but it was a fucking swell ride.....unreal,so yea nirvana fall 89,man ...that was heavyyyyyy.......in a sad footnote to the sad story of cobain ,i saw them after the tour for nevermind,i think he was huge by now,i cant believe they were even playing at first avenue still,yet thats why first ave was the place it was cause everyone had played their ,everyone.but anyway that show,kurt looked so bored and he just was not even the possesed little hellion id witnessed a couple years earlier,oh yea and any of you who were in my life in 1989 will remember,possibly that i had purchased a shirt at the first gi.said nirvana on the front and the 7 circles of hell...as in buhddist text...but on the back..big and bold it said
NIRVANA
crack smokin
fudge packin
satan worshipin
motherfuckers
SUBPOP
and that friend and foe alike...was that.
Monday 5 September 2011
Oh me ! Oh life ! by walt whitman......(for the faithless)
O me! O life!...of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless-of cities fill'd with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself,(for who more foolish than I and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light - of the objects mean - of the struggle ever renew'd;
Of the poor results of all - of the plodding and sordid crowds i see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest - with the rest me intertwined;
The question,Oh me ! so sad,recurring - what good amid these,Oh me , O life?
answer.
That you are here - that life exists,and identity;
That the powerful play goes on,and you may contribute a verse.
Of the endless trains of the faithless-of cities fill'd with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself,(for who more foolish than I and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light - of the objects mean - of the struggle ever renew'd;
Of the poor results of all - of the plodding and sordid crowds i see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest - with the rest me intertwined;
The question,Oh me ! so sad,recurring - what good amid these,Oh me , O life?
answer.
That you are here - that life exists,and identity;
That the powerful play goes on,and you may contribute a verse.
Sunday 4 September 2011
pointles drivel.really.....youll never get these minutes back .
its midnight in the UK.00;00 o clock ,the withching hour and when i used to think i did my best writing,i got a feeling im going to blow that theory straight to hell with this post,as i have no agenda,absolute blank page,i thought i had something to say ,its just a feeling ive had inside of me now, a familiar feeling,a hollow ,emptiness inside were something is missing,do you ever feel this void,ive realised of late that this gnawing hoolownes,well i remember feeling it strongly and distinctly in 9th grade,and the only way i can translate the feeling ,funnily enough is thru colors...it was black,pure light consuming black.Now in my mind i can rationalise and realise i have much to be thankful for,because i am alive and i am healthy,i have people who care for me,some people would even go as far as to say they love me,not as many as id like to believe,im sure....youre going to have to excuse the rambling,nonsensical nature of this post,although i write that feeling ,as i always do that nooone ever reads my words,and if they do,i still write more as an exorsism ,or some would say an exorsism in reverse maybe???who knows.so news flash ,sometimes i feel unsatisfied,like maybe things are pointless,if i look at my life ,its easy to see were these feelings arise from my situation.....if my life caught a few breaks ,my mood would lighten considerably...until then ,ill keep on ,because as anyone who knows mitch ,whos struglling to holld on to his last grasp of life....their is nothing more precious,more sacred or sacrosanct than life and the people in your life,ive saw the most wonderful outpouring of love for my dear dying friend,its such a shame,and im as guilty as most ,that we cant show our friends such love and concern,tell them how much they mean to you in everyday life,but maybe thats wishful thinking from someone many of you know as a total cynic,a sarcastic bastard,but like anything its a mask i wear,to deal with people and the world....i told you id disprove my theory about writing at midnight,as i feel for sure ,this is some weak assed navel gazing,self involved bullshit....youll have to forgive me,im just mentally vomiting against the wall,expelling the sickness and seeing what sticks,its all toxic,this is just what remains.......somtnsyde........markuss at midnight......next time give him the skip,lol...........anyone who reads this.i hope youre heart is bright and hopeful....i want everyone to live and love and always be true to yourselves...im sure ill delete this in the morning,but im really not that smart.masochistic mark :)...peace out
(C)mh 2011
Saturday 3 September 2011
Friday 2 September 2011
Thursday 1 September 2011
denver dont play ( a lullaby to colfax ave )
So years ago,when i was a young man ,i set up and was playing house with a female i knew . I t was our second try at cohabition ,shit i thought it was love......whatever it was and it was many things ,it was drinking and drugs,it was talking and enjoying each other,maybe i enjoyed her more than she me,BUT,it was good sex,it was nice to snuggle and wake up next to a woman i thought was so very beautiful,but man it just wasnt even close to love.Hell i didnt know then and thats not even what this is about im just letting my thoughts of that time run free.You see we lived on 14th and Clarkson ,which is one block off west colfax.....mighty colfax ave. americas main street and fuck if thats so then americas more fucked up than anyone knew.Capital Hill was the hood,were the pimps strolled keeping their ho's on the track,were the mexicans sold burrito's or black tar,depending on which cholo you bumped into.Colfax ,crack cocaine ,porno shops,prostitutes,garbage,dive bar heaven ,police sirens and white 20 something hipsters playing house,yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwnnnn.
So,one night i was returning back to our lil loveshack,harhar...id been over at my homie hurls house ,i think i was borrowing something mundane but thats not the story either,so as im crossing over almost to our house i hear a few gunshots pop off behind my house and i swear to god a young brother came running out jumped in a cadillac and they bounced the fuck out . now i was alarmed but being a 'fuck tha police' type o brother i pushed my bike inside went upstairs,my veins full of crime. I heard them police sirens coming and within fifteen minutes it was all flashing lights and taped off areas,there must of been 25 police cars all down 14th ave.i mean ,writing this now i do feel that i maybe should of went and told them pigs what id seen but to be honest it was all so fast and my brain was on opiate slow ,so i couldnt of really helped out with to much plus,can you imagine having to testify at a murder trail????no thanks ,although i do feel the conflict,as in someones life got taken and that is as big a deal as it ever gonna get.so,i went to bed and the next day my man hurl came over as it was when he was playing house with another female just down the street.so he comes up and we smoked some buds because,i guess thats what we did,at least some of what we did,i did a lil bit more,yet i digress.In my colorado rocky mountain high state of mind i relayed all that had happened to my friend the night before,he was surprised by the fact id come up on a 187, not the fact one happened in capitol hill,it was just par for the course.I say''yo,lets go check out the scene of the crime!''.....all high and shit,acting like everything was nothing and life wasnt shit.We walked back behind the house and the yellow police tape was still sealing off the entrance to the alley.it was starting to feel tense and i wasnt feeling so gung ho,but walked towards the entrance to the back lot and i almost stepped in it.The thing is when someone gets shot in the head it isnt really like tv etc,i suppose they fall down but they dont show you a foot wide pool of collagulating blood,with dits od brain matter and other stuff i can barely remember,id seen plenty and ,more than anything wished i hadnt come out to see the remenants of a shooting,it was without wanting to be,it was direspectful,that was im assuming someones son,dad,brother whatever,you know i never did read about it in the paper .but i cant believe someone some police,hadnt cleaned this up ,not left this horror show to lay around in our back yard.Colfax avenue,americas main street.Indeed.
(c) 2011 mark halliwell 2011
So,one night i was returning back to our lil loveshack,harhar...id been over at my homie hurls house ,i think i was borrowing something mundane but thats not the story either,so as im crossing over almost to our house i hear a few gunshots pop off behind my house and i swear to god a young brother came running out jumped in a cadillac and they bounced the fuck out . now i was alarmed but being a 'fuck tha police' type o brother i pushed my bike inside went upstairs,my veins full of crime. I heard them police sirens coming and within fifteen minutes it was all flashing lights and taped off areas,there must of been 25 police cars all down 14th ave.i mean ,writing this now i do feel that i maybe should of went and told them pigs what id seen but to be honest it was all so fast and my brain was on opiate slow ,so i couldnt of really helped out with to much plus,can you imagine having to testify at a murder trail????no thanks ,although i do feel the conflict,as in someones life got taken and that is as big a deal as it ever gonna get.so,i went to bed and the next day my man hurl came over as it was when he was playing house with another female just down the street.so he comes up and we smoked some buds because,i guess thats what we did,at least some of what we did,i did a lil bit more,yet i digress.In my colorado rocky mountain high state of mind i relayed all that had happened to my friend the night before,he was surprised by the fact id come up on a 187, not the fact one happened in capitol hill,it was just par for the course.I say''yo,lets go check out the scene of the crime!''.....all high and shit,acting like everything was nothing and life wasnt shit.We walked back behind the house and the yellow police tape was still sealing off the entrance to the alley.it was starting to feel tense and i wasnt feeling so gung ho,but walked towards the entrance to the back lot and i almost stepped in it.The thing is when someone gets shot in the head it isnt really like tv etc,i suppose they fall down but they dont show you a foot wide pool of collagulating blood,with dits od brain matter and other stuff i can barely remember,id seen plenty and ,more than anything wished i hadnt come out to see the remenants of a shooting,it was without wanting to be,it was direspectful,that was im assuming someones son,dad,brother whatever,you know i never did read about it in the paper .but i cant believe someone some police,hadnt cleaned this up ,not left this horror show to lay around in our back yard.Colfax avenue,americas main street.Indeed.
(c) 2011 mark halliwell 2011
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